Does he love me?
Does she appreciate me?
People who are in relationships often face such questions. That is because narcissists show love at times and push their partner away at times. One time their company is a pleasure. At other times it is torture to hang out with them. It is confusing!
“My husband didn’t need to raise his voice or hit me, as his method of violence was the words that could cut through me sharper than a knife ever could, destroying any sense of self-confidence I previously had.” ~ Megan Holgate, Life & Divorce Coach.
They claim that they love their family and friends. But do they really?
Here are some experts’ opinions on the matter.
Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., a psychotherapist elaborates on the process of falling and staying in love:
“If you (exes of narcissists) thought that your romantic Narcissistic ex-loved you and wanted to marry you, you are not crazy. Even though he is now gone, your guy meant what he said when he said it to you. He was in love with you, or at least his own romantic fantasy of the two of you as the perfect couple.”
So narcissists show passion at the early stages of the relationship. However, this passion “is always directed at our projections, our expectations, our fantasies … It is a love not of another person, but of ourselves,” says Jungian analyst Robert Johnson.
Even though they can fall in love, feeling strongly attached, they cannot stay in love as they lack the range of emotions needed for such a sentiment. For many of them, love is a transaction.
If you still cannot believe that your narcissistic partner is incapable of strong feelings for you, we have listed 5 truths about narcissists which prove that these people are unable to love:
#1.They cannot stand a partner who’s better than them.
They are obsessed with being perfect and cannot stand to be outdone by others. They are jealous of anyone who is better than them. Especially if it is their partner.
#2. Narcissists have no patience with imperfections in others.
They are obsessed with being perfect themselves and think that others should be the same. They cannot stand being with someone who is not perfect and that is why it is heavy and nearly impossible to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
#3. They use others to achieve their own goals.
There is a term Narcissistic supply which was first used by Otto Fenichel, a psychologist, at the beginning of the 20th century which means admiration, interpersonal support, or sustenance coming from a person’s environment and is essential to their self-esteem.
Here is Laura 29, who was married to a narcissist for five years, explaining the narcissistic supply:
“Like a parachute to a parachute jumper, we just give them the supply of what they need at that time, and, like the parachute, when they have no more need for us, we’re completely forgotten.”
#4. They don’t give love but manipulation.
They control others in a lot of ways. That is because they are afraid of running out of their narcissist supply. They try to manipulate, humiliate, and belittle their partner in order to have them totally under their authority and to make them serve their purposes.
Here is the story of Bob who was also married to a narcissistic woman for quite a long time:
The person that I spent 21 years of marriage does not know the meaning of the word “love.” For, her it is just a word that she uses to manipulate people into doing what she wants them to do. I do feel sorry for her but she has destroyed far too many people, and love is nothing but a tool for her. My advice is to presume a narcissist is incapable of feeling the love.
#5. Nothing is ever good enough for narcissists.
They always want more. Why? Because their desires are always in flux. Therefore they do not want anything for a long time and their desires are not final.
Here are some anonymous quotes from individuals who had a narcissistic tendency, provided by Preston Ni, a behavioral psychologist. These quotes reveal that narcissists are very materialistic as said above.
“My accomplishments are everything.”
“I never want people to look upon me as poor. My fiancé and I each drive a Mercedes. The best man at our upcoming wedding also drives a Mercedes.”
Sadly, people who love narcissists usually fall victim to these false expressions of love.